Kisses and Tears~~~~~

Hello Sweet Things,

An emotional event happened to me Thursday night, one that was entirely unexpected, and I had no idea that I had these feelings trapped within me for so long. It took a fragment of music to bring it all back and it was cathardic.

I was relaxing Thursday evening, having done my shopping and house hold chores, and writing out my “to do” list, then I went on the internet, checking e-mail and going over to Fram’s blog to see where his observations, his camera and his thoughts would lead him.

I was flattered that he referred to my remark about Sherlock Holmes, I too have enjoyed the Jeremy Brett series, so much so that I bought the entire DVD collection. Then I scanned down to listen to his musical selections, there was one I was not familiar with, oh I have heard of Rachmaninoff, but not all of his compositions.

But when I played “A theme of Paganini” I found my mind and heart flung back years ago to when I was in college my Senior year, and in love, estacally in love. It was a fall evening, walking along a side walk with My Love, we were passing a 2^nd hand book store that was open that evening. The owner also sold recordings and was playing one over the outdoor speaker, the very theme that I was hearing now.

Suddenly my Love took my hand twirled me with ballet grace, and as the music swelled I felt like I was dancing like I had never danced before, we twirled, embraced, he lifted me up and slowly lowered me and kissed me, held me tight and whispered “I love you” I looked at him and saw a look in his eyes, a look I had never seen nor saw again, I felt I could fall into the depths of his eyes, they were filled with such emotions but they went beyond passion, I was seeing his soul and this look filled me with trembling and love, it was Love unconditional Love.

After that night we studied together, planned to get our degrees, made plans for our future together, we knew what we were going to do, it wasn’t going to be easy, we were being realistic, but we had goals and we were in love, then 6 weeks later he was killed by a drunk driver.

The days after were a fog, his parents simply came and collected his body and took him home with them, I didn’t have a chance to say good by. My room mates, especially Yoshi, Bless Them, said I had to continue on my degree was on the line, Yoshi kept saying to me to do it for him. And I did.

But now hearing that music I felt tears falling from my eyes, down my face and a pain in my chest that felt like the very bones would break, somehow the play version got onto a loop and it played over and over again, and with that music in my ears, I cried and cried and gave vent to a deep animal wailing, a grief that seemed to know no depths. Somehow I managed to turn my computer off and fell into bed crying until I was exhausted and not waking up until my alarm went off the next morning.

I didn’t want to go into work but I knew I had to, so I called and said I’d be delayed but to work I went my mind playing over and over the music and those memories.

I asked Ralph to help me saying that I had a bad night’s sleep and felt numb, sweet Ralph helped me.

When I returned home I couldn’t eat, it had rained but then stopped, I went for a walk that night along the beach, heedless of the cold, heedless that I was a woman walking alone at night, I looked out across the Bay to the hazy lights of San Francisco, but only seeing the eyes of my Love, I finally realized that I had never truly grieved for him, and the music triggered all that grief, I remembered my friends pushing me forward, when all I wanted to do was just scream to be left alone and jump into the grave with him. Life I felt was useless, but somehow they made me live. But I hadn’t grieved and now I was.

I called Yoshi early this morning.

When Yoshi heard my voice she was worried something was seriously wrong with me. I told her what happened. She told me to get dressed she would be by in an hour.

It was the best thing in the world for me to call her, Janet and Linda I knew were not available, but Yoshi was. Her husband was out of town on a business trip, so she could drop everything.

Of all places, she took me to Sunset Cemetery, many Asian families are buried there, the Fung Shui of the place was what they wanted, and the prime spots are, for the Japanese facing the Sunset towards the land of their ancestors, this cemetery has a beauty that one doesn’t find in modern cemeteries, it makes use of the natural layout of the land, the stones, creeks and trees.

She laid out a tarp then a blanket on the grass and we wrapped blankets around ourselves, we talked, and talked, tears going down both our faces, she said that it might have been wrong for them to prevent me from grieving, but they wanted me to gain what I needed, that degree, I was too close to lose it now. She said it was a test of strength, of will. But she admitted the soul always remembers.

The fact that I had encountered that particular piece of music was the trigger to release that grief and begin to heal that part of me, even if it meant scraping open the scab again to begin the healing process.

She said that after he died and we had graduated, she always felt there was a part of me that was held back, why after all these years among my male relationships I always kept it as friends, never anything deeper. I wanted to deny that but she was right, oh yes, I’ve had physical intimacy, but I never let it get any deeper and was never upset if they had met and fallen in love someone else.

Even Joe and Frank, both divorced and just friends, without the complications of sex, but we care for each other----and trust me I know they are not gay.

She said that maybe it’s time to open my heart, I said that will be a very difficult thing to do after all this time, I’m older, the world is more complicated, and I’ve made my own life as a single working woman, it would be hard now to have a man totally move into my life because I’ve made myself comfortable with it and its freedom.

She felt that even if I chose to remain a single working woman who wants to remain free, it won’t be harder to open my heart to someone who might be right for me, but each keeping our own special lives. She knows of many people doing that now a days.

She was right, and somehow I felt within myself something open up, lightness within me and I could finally feel the cold around us, like the world was coming back into my body, we spent the rest of the day together.

Yoshi wanted me to be among people and to realize that it was all in the past now, it was alright to mourn but I had to function among people. She suggested that we drive out to Stoneridge Mall (an upscale one) have lunch, we did that looked at things in the windows, people watching, talking about our days in college, we didn’t skirt around anything.

It was a good feeling, to get it out, even though there were times I felt on the verge of tears again. Yoshi said that when I get home to have again another good cry.

Later we came back into town to have dinner at our favorite Chinese Restaurant, but I wanted to stop at my house first, to get a few things and check my e-mail it was then I checked Fram’s blog and discovered he was going to end it (the blog). I felt sad, but in a way I understood, and I felt both my feelings for my Love and my Blog Friend wrap themselves together---I never personally met Fram, but I enjoyed his blogs and his comments to me.

As Yoshi and I had dinner, I told her about Fram, and the mix feelings I was now having, she said in a way it’s another sort of dying, but I realized that he had to grow, the blogging was stifling him.

I also told her that he, like my Love encouraged me to write and I did, even submitting several stories to different competitions, they were seriously considered with all the weeding, as they say a “bridesmaid but not the bride”, not a total winner. I’ve even joined a writing club, moving forward always.

Yoshi felt that was right, that what both of them have done is give me the incentive to seek goals, to move forward, I cannot drop my blogging right now, I need it as a sort of diary to see where I’m progressing, Yoshi agreed with my assessment, that for me using my blog as a diary is good and perhaps an excellent reference for more ideas.

Then it was late so she dropped me off at home.

I called Lillian asking if she wanted to get together for Brunch Sunday and I would explain to her why I had called off dinner the night before. She is a wise woman, she sensed that I was going through something; she told me “Tell me over the coffee, I’ll be all ears”.

I took out my box of photos and pulled out the one of him and me. I can’t continue to grieve over what was lost, but now I can look at him again even if I cry; I’ll look for a photo frame for our picture and put it up on the bookshelf here in my home office, I’ll see it every day and remember that I had managed to succeed in part what we had planned and continue to move forward, not back.

I still feel the tears coming, I feel them running down my face now, but the pain is not so great. I will heal, it has begun.

Kisses Sweet Things. Kisses and Tears, for what was lost, found, lost and found again.

Cold and Haiti Relief

Hello Sweet Things,

It is so cold today, snow on the mountain tops down in San Jose and close by. The rain has taken a rest for now, but what brief sunlight we had faded within a few hours.

Many errans to run today. Tomorrow Lillian and I are going to a speical evening concert fundraiser for Haitian relief at Christ the Light Cathedral. Frederikca Von Stade will be performing. I know the music will be wonderful and for a good cause.

Lillian delights in listening to "Flicka" and this will be a treat for her.

It maybe a while before I can post again, but Fram, I've been following your adventures, and right now I can almost feel the coldness of the snow outside your apartment.

I had forgotten about Irene Adler and her adventures, where she "performed" but almost automatically my mind went to Sherlock Holmes, so she is locked here in my subconscious, and Richard Tucker---what a voice.

Must go my Sweet Things, time is flying.

Kisses to all of you.

A Breath of Fresh, Wet Air~~~

Hello Sweet Things,

It seems my idea to go to my country place was a good choice. There is rain, and a little higher up a light dusting of snow, but not enough to affect where I am.

I got up early yesterday and went to the Gun Show at the Cow Palace, and that was a good move as well. Ran into some old friends, who work the show, they told me that Saturday was very, very busy, today is slower but sales were very good.

I noticed a few changes, the dealers who deal with Ammo have different set up now because of the changes in the gun law, so one can see the ammo, but there are barriers between them and the product, so it's more working with the sales person and asking questions.

A number of security dealers, but in talking with one person I know, the word is that because of the heavy rains many of them will be coming to the Spring show or working more in Nevada and Arizona at this time.

I saw a lot of antique pieces, practically museum quality. But the energy was not as high as usual, but from what I was told the energy was much better Saturday, and it being a 3 day weekend many people might be taking advantage of going skiing.

But it felt good, had a chance over a meatball sandwich (very good), to talk with some members of the Chabot Gun Club that do their SASS shoots on the third Sunday.

Did I buy anything, not really, nothing sang out to me. But it was fun just looking. I left by 1:30 p.m. and managed to get to my place by 4 p.m. Traffic was really very good. Of course things are going to be very rough going home tonight, so I talked to the Powers that be and made arrangements to come in Tuesday afternoon and work through the early evening instead.

Turns out that was a good thing too, the upgrades are not going as fast as they hoped, so going in in the afternoon will be a good thing. And since I don't have any meetings until about 3 p.m. I'm going to take advantage of it.

It is cold and rainy here, but a number of people are glad, the rain is needed. My caretakers were glad that I did come up, some repair work is needed in the barn area, nothing drastic and they were going to e-mail me about it for my approval before having it done, and it was a good thing to be here, I had a chance to talk with a couple of members of the historical preservation board and got an update on things, fund raising is going better than expected, some surprising grants received, land purchases progressing well.

And the educational aspect is moving forward and looks to be very good. The line up for their events for the year is all set and I'm looking forward to it. Then a special request was sprung upon me. Where they hold their meetings is going to be under renovation starting in February and they will not have a place to meet on a steady continuous basis, as it appears that the renovations could take more than a year.

I asked how many people attend these meeting and they said that besides the board members not much over a dozen, if it was going to be a very large gathering then it would be held at the school auditorium especially if it was something where there might be a lot of input needed from people in the town. So I was asked if I would be willing to loan my house, primarily family parlor and dinning room since they blend into one large room.

I asked my caregivers is that would be a hardship on them and they said no, so I agreed with the proviso that anyone attending a meeting here must be made aware that the house was currently not handicapped accessible, that it was a temporary meeting place and that the minutes of the meeting would be posted in the local newspaper. Also anyone coming onto the property could not claim injury if they fell or injured themselves as it was at their own risk. Anyone who is handicapped and wants to attend a meeting needs to make arrangements with one of the board members and all efforts should be made to accommodate those requests.

Getting that in writing the board members agreed. So after dinner I talked with my caregivers and asked if there was any spot in which a wheelchair ramp strong enough to accommodate those motorized scooters could be installed. The best possible spot was through the back into the kitchen, because the doorways were large enough to accommodate most wheelchairs and scooters into the lower part of the house and the angles into the living area was practically a shotgun arrangement. The stairs were on the side and were going to eventually be replaced so this would be an excellent thing to do. The walk way to the back is level brickwork so no problem there.

So I told them to see what it would take and have the work started as soon as possible. Because I had a feeling that it was going to be along time before they got back to their usual meeting place and also if we needed to replace anything or bring in a heavy piece of funiture having that ramp would be a good thing.

I slept like a rock last night and woke to the smell of coffee this morning, it's raining but I'm going to go into town, and just see how things are going there. It's chilly, a bit windy and diffently wet. But it feels like my restlessness is cured, that I'm back insync with myself.

I had a chance to see more of Fram's photos from his apartment, how facisinating those horse drawn carriages so close by, it almost feels like one is in Sherlock Holmes London. And I listened to that piano piece, yes it does sound like the way this wet winter feels. I'd forgotten about Chopin. In the next town over there is a music store that carries CD's I'm going to check it out and see what they have in the classics.

I don't think I'll have a chance to go to Europe, at least not this year. My Baby Sister is going to graduate this June with her Bacholers degree in Business---and her fiancee will get his Master's as well. But Baby Sis will be going back for her Masters as well and Ted will be job hunting---not easy in this current economy, he said he may go back and "augment" his masters by taking other courses, he has to see what the 'waters' are like.

Anyway, I know where I'll be this June. I'm very proud of her.

Now I must be off if I want to do what I want to do. My caregivers and I will make arrangments to meet in town for lunch, they need to do some grocery shopping, while I will "flutter like a social butterfly" oh yeah, right! ***chuckle***

Until Later Sweet Things, Kisses. And Fram keep posting those photos and tell us more about what you see.

Thoughts~~~

Hello Sweet Things,


Well in my office alone we managed to raise $1,000 for Haitian relief, Yoshi it making arrangements to have it go to the Red Cross. We are watching things develop in Haiti because we know that if anything like that happens here----well, we have an idea of what it could be.

For some reason I haven't been able to sleep the last night or two, and even now I want to go to be but can't. A restlessness is upon me, but not a good restlessness.

My family is well, so there is no fretting about them. And my tennants are doing well, so no concerns there, and work has been busy at all levels. As a matter of fact they are upgrading the systems, this weekend and hopefully all the bugs will be out when we go to work Tuesday.

There is a gun show at the Cow Palace, this weekend, I always enjoy that but I feel like I need something more.

I know what I'll do I'll pack a weekend bag since the office will be closed Monday.

I'll go to the gun show and check it out for a few hours, then off to my place in the country, I'll let my caregivers know that I'll be coming sometime late afternoon, I hope before sunset, it's starting to rain here and it's traveling to the Sierra's where we need the snow pack, fortunately my house is not so high up that I'd use chains, but I'll pack them in the trunk anyway.



It doesn't matter even if it's raining, I almost welcome it. I just feel so confined right now.

I have no idea why I feel this way, my tax paperwork is all properly laid out and all the information that I still need is coming in. My appointment is not until next month---I have a very good Preparer do it for me---I just don't have the time to do it, so it pays for me to have someone else do it who is up on all the new tax laws.

Maybe I need stronger fresh air to clear my head.

In some ways I feel like this kitten, you maybe holding a gun to me but watch out!! I've got claws!!

Lillian is back from visiting her son, so no problems there, as a matter of fact we had dinner together tonight and she said she felt the same way. Just feeling confined.

Maybe different sights will give a fresher viewpoint. Maybe it's been too much Holiday celebration and the work week is feeling Bleh to me. Maybe it's because one of my clients having passed on and then hearing about one of our neighbors, elderly having passed away in her sleep, something that Lillian prays for.

Maybe it's just a mood that will pass or I need vitamins. I just don't know. But I'll see how things go in the next few days.

Until then, be safe Sweet Things, stay dry and warm. We are going to be having some very wet and wild weather for the next week. I always welcome it.

Until Later, Sweet Things, Kisses

Haiti~~~

Hello Sweet Things,

Right now it's hard for me to write, but I do want to comment on the disaster in Haiti---a 7.50 earthquake.

50,000 people dead and more to be found.

Everyone at work was so upset about it, we got together funds to send for emergency relief.

Yoshi and I are looking to see what else maybe needed, but right now I know they need money for medical supplies, food, water, shelter.

One thing Sweet Things, if you are not sure about which emergency relief fund, contact the Red Cross for more information. I know our local T.V. Station KPIX which is a CBS affiliate has given out contact information on their web site, that is the best.

Living here in Earthquake California between the San Andreas and the Hayward fault, it has us very, very worried.

Must go.

Kisses Sweet Things and Pray for the People of Haiti

And Update from the Week and thoughts~~~~

Dear Sweet Things,

My blog friend Fram has posted, and I know he is well. And now I find I can follow his adventures.

Warsaw, Poland----what history is there to see, how exciting!

When I was a child I read some of the histories of these countries, Warsaw, Berlin, Paris, Madrid, especially in biographies or Novels that dealt with spies or espionage. How strange my mind worked back then.

Did I ever have the courage to travel to those countries? Not really, getting an education, earning money and surviving on just what I could earn demanded my courage and strength. But I have found that even here I can travel to different countries or at least part of it's culture as it survives here.

Already my friend Yoshi is asking me to help her find things for the upcoming Chinese New Year's festival and we are making plans to celebrate it, and it may rain.

And last year my co-worker Maria asked me to help her get things for her family's Day of the Dead Festival, her car had broke down so I lent her a hand.

So I find that sometimes history and culture comes to me in unexpected ways, but now thanks to the Blogverse, and Fram's travels as well as others, I can travel in a blink of an eye, it is not the same as being there to hear the sounds, to feel the atmosphere, but it is a start.

I shall enjoy Fram's postings as he does his search and his travels, not exactly Watson to his Holmes, but enjoying just the same.

The weather here in the Bay Area is cloudy and chilly and overcast, we are expecting rain, and have already experienced earthquakes south and north of us. Eureka had a 6.5 and down in Hollister a 4.1, I hope that it has released enough pressure off of the faults, everyone is worried about the Hayward and the San Andrea's, let them be little ones.

As just a forwarding, if for some reason I do not post for a long, long time, check the news and see if the San Francisco Bay Area is still on the map. For the earthquake window is beginning to open again and I dread the spring of April. It has been 104 years since the big one, and many are not prepared.

Work has been busy for me, clearing away any snags from 2009 and almost all of us are pronouncing 2010 as Twenty ten, so much easier.

We've been having budget meetings, some leanest is going to be expected, and perhaps longer hours, but on the whole we are in very good shape, the goal is to work within the budget, spot where there is excessive expenditures and see where we can get better deals.

My clients are happy, but I did lose one with his passing away, very sad, he was a dear, sweet man, unfailing polite and a gentleman. I am working with his heirs right now as they are dealing with his trust. They don't want to sell, but they have to have things divided, so its a question of value.

And Tax time is coming, so much fun, I know how I'm going to be spending my weekends for the rest of this month. ***sigh*** but done it must.

And now the State is taking out more in state income tax!! ***Snort*** They can't balance their "books" so take more money from the people. Well if some of those political big wigs would look at their own "books" and reduce their income maybe the budget would be balanced. But only in a perfect world would that happen.

***Well I have to be off***my cupboard is bare, in fact even my laundry supplies are very low, so I'm going to be doing a lot of shopping today. Hmmm I guess it's Chinese Take Out tonight and a DVD.

Lillian has gone to visit for a week with one of her sons, so I'll be collecting her newspapers and mail and checking her potted plants. She has a warning instruction sign on one of her plants a "Venus Fly Trap" I understand they are not easy to grow in indoor conditions, but I've seen this thing and it's gotten bigger. Shades of "Audrey Two"??!!

I still I think I have a chance to do a little exploring today, even if it's only for an hour or two.

Until later Sweet Things, Kisses. Be safe Sweet Fram.

TO FRAM~~~~~~~

So caught up was I with the Holidays, with family and friends, that I missed Fram’s plane; he is flying somewhere, to parts unknown, to places for him to explore.

And I “running down” to the departure gate have missed my opportunity to wish him well and good fortune and to be safe in this world.

Who will follow me on the foggy rain slick streets and sidewalks of San Francisco, with the sounds of Foghorns on the Bay? Who will be my Sam Spade in search of “The Black Bird”? Who will be the “Continental Op” to make suggestions to me in ways of looking into my life and life choices? Who in the Blogverse will follow Moi, the Fabulous Diva, whose suggestions and opinions I trust?

The days are chilly and although the sun has shone weakly, there is no sign of warmth, I feel sad that I did not take the time to wish my blog friend a safe journey. Now posting to his blogs have been disabled, I know he will be gone for a long time.

I will have share my wanderings down the highways and byways of my local area, down the little known alleys and nooks and crannies of places discovered with those out there that I hope will have the same thoughts and feelings, that will enjoy the sense of discovery as I do.

I am reminded of a line from a song-----“Leavin’ on a Jet Plane, Don’t know when I’ll be back again”

I wish you Dear Sweet Fram, Godspeed, and Safe Harbors, may you have wonderful discoveries, and great adventures, I hope you will have a chance to read this post and know that I wish you all the Best that this pitiful yet wonderful world has to offer.

Be Safe and return to this Blogverse when you can.

And where ever you are if you are walking on a dark and chilly street and it’s just a little foggy and damp and you hear the sharp sounds of stiletto heels following you, turn around, it just might be the Fabulous Diva.

Until then Sweet Fram, Kisses.

Happy 2010 Everyone!!!

Hello Sweet Things to 2010!!

I hope all of you had a wonderful New Years celebration.

Mine was fantastic!! I went with friends to a New Years Party on Board the U.S.S. Hornet, it was so much fun, and good food, great music, I dressed in my 1940's evening dress, feeling all glamoured up.

Yoshi was enjoying herself, we danced with our partners, and even with some gentlemen that didn't have dates, Oh but was I soaking my toes this morning. The party seems like a dream now, and Monday back to work***sigh*** well it can't be all fun and games.

Or as Yoshi says "Cheese and Kisses".

Poor Joe and Frank they pulled late duty, I told them to come and crash at my place, I had the fold up cots all ready for them. They got off duty not until the wee hours of the morning, but from what I understand, it went very well, nothing like last year. Oh a few arrests, but all peaceful.

Poor dears, they were snoring this morning so bad that it sounded like they were sawing through Redwood logs. I let them sleep, left a note for them in the kitchen, had plenty of eggs, bread, coffee, bacon, Canadian bacon, and other fixings for breakfast.

Lillian and I went out for a late brunch, her family came by for celebrations for new years, but she said she doesn't stay up late like she use to, has to get "her beauty sleep".

She told me that just after it struck midnight, people were outside, banging pots, yelling happy new year, tooting on horns, and one fellow was running down the middle of the street blowing a whistle.....I missed that one, I was on board an aircraft carrier.

Now today is grey and slightly drizzly. And there's snow on the mountains, good, maybe it will be a wet year.

Now I'm tired, I think I'm going to just vegetate this weekend and get a few things done, and call my Folks and see how they are doing.

I am hopeful that 2010 will be a better year, things have been so bad, it has to start turning around. We can hope.

Until later Sweet Things, Kisses.